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Tales of a coffee-holic: Knowing people

I’m sure we’ve all seen a news clip in which a neighbor or casual acquaintance of a rapist or murderer spoke about how nice and normal the person seemed to be.

It happens all the time. Of course, a person can’t really tell much about neighbors by pleasantries exchanged while getting the newspaper or taking out the garbage. If you think you can, you’re sorely mistaken. Most anyone who says they act the same way in public as they do in private is lying.

But I often wonder how many people are out there who keep their true feelings, impulses and past experiences to themselves altogether. True, no one can blame a neighbor for not realizing that the person who lives next to them is a murderer. How could they possibly know? Sure, maybe the guy seemed a little off, but unless his garbage is full of bloody rags on a regular basis, no responsibility could be placed on a neighbor.

I wonder though, how well we really know our friends and those who we think we’re closest to. I know many couples who really know nothing about one another.

It makes me wonder if the close friends, girlfriends or even wives of murderers and rapists actually know there is something deeply wrong with the person they portend to be close with. Maybe a woman realizes that there’s something a little weird about her husband and decides not to look into it too deeply, just in case she might find something she doesn’t like. On the other hand maybe she’s happily oblivious and has no clue what’s in her husband’s head.

I believe it’s true that one person can never be completely certain of the processes going on in another person’s brain. I might think in completely different ways than you. When I found out that I was slightly color blind in my late teens, I wondered what other things I might perceive differently than other people.

No matter how well you think you know someone, there is no way to really know what they’re thinking.

Many women who were married to serial killers or rapists claimed to be shocked when they found that their husbands were capable of this, but afterward many recall odd and suspicious behavior on their loved ones’ part. I’m not sure if I believe anyone could be that clueless. There must be a significant level of denial.

However, this brings me to my larger point. Are the rest of us, those who aren’t married to society’s monsters, ignoring signs that those we love are having problems? Are we too wrapped up in our own worlds to realize that our partners or friends are having a tough time?

I don’t think there’s any excuse not to attempt to really understand your close friends and significant others. Although it isn’t quite the same level of transgression, ignoring the behavior and possible issues of those we care about isn’t helping anyone. If you notice any odd behavior from someone you care about, ask about it. Make an effort to get to know those you love. And maybe call the police if you find a bucket of blood in the basement or tattered clothing in the trunk.

 

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