Tales of a coffee-holic: Mastering the art of the relationship

Dating and relationships are hard to master at any age. What works for some people definitely doesn’t work for everyone. While some need to be around a significant other daily, others need time and space to be by themselves. Although I have a feeling that the nuances of dealing with relationships were probably always an elusive beast, I think technology has made them even more complicated.

As someone who has a slew of friends, both male and female in many parts of the country I wish to share some advice based on relationship issues I’ve experienced first hand or ones I know that friends have dealt with.

My first tip might seem laughably obvious but I’ve seen it many times. Don’t date someone you can’t stand. Sure, annoying the person you’re with or giving them a hard time is fun. I think annoying one another is what’s kept my grandparent’s relationship going strong for more than 60 years. There’s a difference between good natured ribbing and actually hating someone. If you can’t stand being in the same room with the person you’re supposed to like or even love, if you secretly imagine stabbing them in the face every time they speak, you should probably call it quits (and you might have some anger issues.) If the sound of your significant other’s voice entices you to puncture both eardrums, maybe consider moving on.

My next piece of advice is, if you have nothing in common, finding things to do together is going to be a problem. Obviously, it’s great to have different interests and to spend time apart doing your own thing, but if you really don’t like any of the same things both of you are going to be spending a lot of your time begrudgingly enduring activities you don’t enjoy.

My personal philosophy is, I’m not going to any movies that I’m not interested in and I’m not making anyone else go to a movie if they don’t want to.

Also, ladies, ladies, ladies (and sometimes gentlemen), you deserve someone who doesn’t insult you on a regular basis. I know too many women who don’t think they deserve to be treated well. I know people who endure insults from long-time partners about how they dress, what they do for a living and their feelings about sex. Everyone should know that although people do change, and it’s possible for a couple to decide to make positive changes together, those changes should come as a result of individual desire to better oneself. If you’re planning to marry someone, you shouldn’t assume that you by some sort of magic will be able to change them. Chances are, although I believe people change constantly, the core of that person will be there forever. This also leads to the question: why are you with the other person in the first place if you dislike so many things about them?

Another tip: if a person cheats on you once, he or she will most likely do it again. Sure, I guess there are some people out there who only did it once and truly regret it. But, I know tons of people, many of them good friends of mine who’ve rationalized cheating on a partner or who did it with little to no remorse. Yes, a decision to remain with someone who cheated on you is your decision to make, but don’t kid yourself into thinking that it won’t happen again.

Many of these situations result from fear of being alone. No one wants to think that they’re incapable of being loved or that no one wants them. That being said, being alone is better than making someone else as well as yourself miserable. If you take some time alone and become more in tune with yourself and you owns wants and needs you’ll be a better partner in the end anyway. Personally, I’d rather end up an old spinster with 10 cats named after famous 19th century authors than spend my life in the company of someone I don’t enjoy.

So folks, if you really want to be happy, make the decision to be with someone you like, someone who treats you well and who doesn’t hit on your friends or siblings. Don’t make yourself miserable because you don’t want to be alone. Almost everyone (some exceptions) deserves to be with someone who appreciates them, understands them and genuinely enjoys their company.