Tales of a coffee-holic: Not all, but enough

During the past week, the internet blew up with posts followed by #notallmen and #yesallwomen.

These were both inspired by the shooting that took place at the University of California at Santa Barbara ended in the death of six students as well as the shooter. The shooter was reportedly angry enough that women weren’t attracted to him and rejected him that he went on a shooting rampage.

In an answer to the shooter’s misogynistic views of women, the #notallmen campaign began arguing that not all men see women as objects and not all men expect women to be attracted to them, just because. The #yesallwomen campaign answered that all women must worry about violence against them sexual or otherwise, at the hands of men, even if most men don’t share these views.

For those of you who think that the idea that all women have felt threatened, felt objectified by the way men treat them or experienced fear of a strange man who said something unsettling to her is somehow overblown I’d like to share some of my personal experiences with you. I don’t believe that I’m any different than any other woman in this aspect. I don’t find myself especially attractive, and I don’t dress scandalously.

I’ve probably lost track of how many times I was in a situation with a man I didn’t know that I thought could turn unpleasant very quickly. The #yesallwomen campaign argues that woman shouldn’t have to deal with this sort of thing simply because of their sex.

When I was 18, I worked as the assistant manager at the Putt Putt golf course in my hometown in Indiana. It was a small operation with only one other employee besides the owners and myself.

I was always friendly and chatty with the patrons of the course. I had to be, it was my job. One young man became a regular patron and came to the course’s batting cages regularly. Although I say he was young, he was probably in his late 20s and too old for me at the time. He began staying at the counter and chatting with me for much longer than I was comfortable with. I would politely attempt to end the conversation and he wouldn’t have it. Sometimes he would stay for an hour or longer.

I became very uncomfortable with his presence, especially when I was there alone at night, but being the independent woman I am, I didn’t want to bother my boss with this issue and wasn’t entirely sure if the man was simply misguided or if he was a real threat.

Then, one night he invited me out to the parking lot to check out his truck. I declined his offer and he didn’t leave. I soon began texting a male friend of mine to come to the course every time this guy showed up, because I didn’t feel safe. He eventually took the hint and stopped coming around.

Once, late at night when I was leaving the clothing store where I worked by myself a car pulled up beside me and the driver followed me to my car. I pulled out my cell phone, just in case something bad happened. Just before the driver sped away he leaned out the window and whispered, “I want to be inside you.” I can’t tell you how unsettling this was to 19 year old me.

I can’t tell you how many times I was groped by a drunk hillbilly at parties in high school. Many of them actually seemed surprised when they received a hard smack (or punch) in the face as a result of this.

One night while I was walking in Sidney, I was slowly followed around the block by an SUV containing young men for about 20 minutes.

This is not to mention my fateful night out at a local bar, when I was basically accosted with cat calls, wolf whistles and a ridiculous amount of attention, I guess just because I was new in town.

For those of you who think women dress for the kind of attention they receive, I was wearing what I wore to work that day. Jeans and a baggy, high necked shirt. There were many other ladies there clad in short skirts and heels.

Yes, I remember what I was wearing because I’ve been so conditioned by society to think that I must have done something to elicit the attention I was getting that I couldn’t understand it because I was not looking even slightly scandalous that night.

These are only a few of the tamer examples from my own experience of how some men feel that women are objects that should be attracted to them. Some men apparently feel women should be interested just because these men talk to them, yell at them or possibly just because they are male and they exist.

Of course #notallmen are like this. The men who aren’t are our husbands, boyfriends and good friends who we know respect and love us. You aren’t the problem.

And you all know that we face threats every day. You are the friends who don’t let us walk to our cars by ourselves late at night. You are the ones who go out of the way to drive us home so we don’t have to ride the bus by ourselves late at night. You are the ones who give us pepper spray. You wouldn’t do this if you didn’t think we faced some sort of threat that you do not.

My dad, who was maybe a little overzealous made me terrified of strangers from a very young age.

Women should not have to worry that every man they come across late at night, at a bar or when alone could be a threat to their personal safety. Men should not expect that friendliness means sexual interest. This is the world we live in. It makes me wonder what some of us are doing wrong in raising our sons.