Chariots of Tire
April 13, 2023
In the distant future archeologists will argue about certain aspects of my generation's lifestyle. Long after our high performance muscle cars have been outlawed and turned to rust, legends and folk tales will speak of the mystical metal monsters that ruled a legendary land of highways and parking lots. What future historians and archeologists will make of these only God knows.
Some tales will survive into the 50th century, long after the last drop of petroleum has been leeched from the ground, processed and recycled for the last time. These stories will contain arcane language that future generations will not understand. Among these will be such terms as gearheads; 4-barrel carb; supercharged; 5-speed stick; Hurst speed shifter; digger; nitro injector; 351 Windsor; high-rise manifold; dual pipes; 427 wedge, and the like. What their interpretation of such mystical names as Mustang, Cobra, Barracuda, Porsche, Aztek, Deliboy, Stingray, Firebird, Vibe, Matrix, Achieva, Spitfire, and Phantom, to name a few is anyone's guess.
Will mysterious references to burn outs, high revs, flaming stacks and burning rubber lead future historians to believe we engaged in sacrificial rites using fire. Envision this description found in Meltoncheese's and Friedhash's learned dissertation on the religious exercises of certain Western Hemispherical tribes recently retrieved by time traveling satellites...
"In ancient SoCal there is evidence of migratory tribes who lived on lands they called freeways. At certain times of the year determined by their association with the stars in a mythical part of the sky they called Holy Wood, these tribes gathered in sacred conclaves. Integras, Coopers, Galaxys, Cougars and other tribal groups would come together in holy areas called parkinglots. We believe these were areas of sacred ground dedicated to their gods, sometimes referred to as Mart, Soopermart, or Mall. Other sacred locations have been found that are associated with other gods.
"Devotees of an interesting religious sect, the Draggers, gathered in specially designated areas to participate in bizarre rites. In these little understood ceremonies the high priests would burn a mystical substance called rubber while injecting spiritual ether, called 'nitro' into metallic representations of their gods. According to the myths associated with this sect, these substances would cause metal idols to move at horrific velocities and the idol that achieved the highest speed would be accorded the greatest amount of worship, as well as receiving fiduciary benefits for its temple.
"There is little physical evidence left of these tribes. Traces of their tribal lands, called 'freeways' can be found in a few locations. Most of what we know is deduced from some art objects, myths and folk tales that have survived. We are puzzled by the round, and sometimes oblong shaped objects that have been retrieved from a couple of large underground deposits of rusted iron. Once cleansed of dirt and rust we see the objects have strange geometric patterns engraved on them. The alphanumerics found upon these objects, i.e. 1-2-3-4-5-R, have led some to believe these were used as memory assists in the singing of rhythmic chants. Though there is no solid evidence to support it, another theory is these were early attempts to cause matter transfers or shifts in the space-time continuum.
"One of the most puzzling terms used in some fragmentary legends is causing a rather heated debate among hisherstorians. Who ever can determine the meaning and use of 'tire' will have hisher place of honor in the halls of hisherstory eternally assured."
(NOTE: This fragment of future history cannot be authenticated at this time. You are advised to use caution if attempting to use this data as justification of any current geo-social-political agenda; but then, maybe this is what the Climate Doom Tribe wants. And what future generations will think of the massive piles of huge broken plastic propellers and their shattered towers is any body's guess. The piles are already getting pretty high in some parts of the country. P.S. How about the damage these towers are doing to the ocean's creatures?)